For the computer geeks amongst you, I have a question. Have you ever downloaded a program that was time-limited? You know, a 30 day trial or similar?

When the free trial expires you then have a choice. Either purchase the program or move on.

Sadly, when a relationship or “situation” ends there is seldom any opportunity to continue as there may be with a computer program. Then you may find yourself bemoaning your loss, and cursing how it has all changed, now that you cannot do, or have, what once was.

Here is something to consider.

There is something of a time-bomb ticking away in many aspects of life, relationships are one of those. For instance, the friendships made at school…many of them fell by the wayside years ago, some may persist.   

Then there was your first job, your first car….your first love …Probably all ended now, some thought about now and then, some with regret, some with nostalgia, but most with an overall acceptance of the fact of their passing.

When you think about it, ALL relationships are time-limited in one way or another. Some have the timer set for fifteen, or maybe twenty years, some for a few days. Some set to the limit of your lifespan, which may be eighty, or eighty- five years or so? But, yes, even the relationship you have with yourself has limit, (certainly as regards the human frame you live within).

Then again, I could ask the question, “…are you the same person you were when you were five years old?”

Well, you may answer, “…well, yes…I am but I have sort of changed…”

This “change”, is the crucial factor in lots of things.

It’s a little like the four-hundred year old broom that has only had fourteen handles and sixty heads. You call it the same broom, but it has altered piece by piece until it is no-longer what it originally was.

Maybe that has happened to your relationship or maybe to yourself, or someone else that you know, or think you know. In that case the relationship is no-longer what it was, and indeed, cannot be.

Some people are fortunate enough to grow together, but the dynamics of the human psyche cannot guarantee that this will happen.

I used to tell my clients that just as two pieces of wood, glued together, will stay stuck together, as long as the forces driving them apart do not exceed the strength of the glue, or indeed, the strength of the wood. So it is frequently, with relationships.

The Healthiness of Disillusion

When something ends in your life, it may hurt. It may hurt a lot. This is because as humans, we have extended our ego-boundaries around it, and so we experience the loss as a loss of “self”.

But ask yourself, “…which part is missing?” You may well come to the conclusion that it is the fact that you no longer have the ability to project onto someone what you once thought.

You become, “disillusioned”. 

But hang on a moment… Who wants to live with an illusion, or a lie? After all, is that not the essence of what an illusion is?

This, (with thanks), from Chambers Online Dictionary: -

[Definition: - Illusion… noun, a deceptive or misleading appearance.

1) A mirage is an optical illusion.

2) A false or misleading impression, idea, belief or understanding.

It comes from the Latin illusio, or irony, mocking or deceit, from illudere, to mock or make fun of someone.]

But who is doing the mocking? Is the taunting somehow coming from without, or maybe augmented from within? Where is the deceit? Is it from within, or without? Of course it may be both.

Consider this…Maybe it’s time for you to let “you” off the hook. The ability to “move on” emotionally cannot be overvalued here.

After all, if there was a flood, would you stubbornly stay where you are? Clinging to the TV as the flood water rises above your head?

If there was a fire, would you roast, or get out? Okay, call the Fire Brigade by all means, attempt to extinguish the flames maybe, but if the fire is out of control do you stay?

It may seem daunting, particularly if there has been hostility or you know a battle is to ensue, but stay optimistic. Here then, is a short tale…

The Battle

During a crucial battle, a General decided to attack even though his army was greatly outnumbered. He was convinced they would win, but his men were far from convinced.

On the way to the battle, they stopped at a sacred place. After praying with the men, the general took out a coin and said, “I shall now toss this coin. If it is heads, we shall win. If it is tails we shall lose.”

“Destiny will now unveil itself.”

He threw the coin into the air and all watched carefully as it landed. It was heads. The soldiers were so jubilant

and filled with confidence that they energetically attacked the enemy and were victorious.

After the battle, one lieutenant remarked to the general, “Pardon me Sir, but surely no-one can change destiny?”

“Quite right,” the general replied as he showed the lieutenant the coin, which had heads on both sides.

Thoughtful Quotes

In my travels, I collect stories, sayings etc, much as some collect object d’art… Here, I share some of them with you.

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be. – Anna Louise Strong

Most relationships are not made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put them together yourselves. – Unknown

Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other. – Russ Von Hoelscher

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. – Anthony Robbins

The Tea-Cup

A couple walked into an antique store, and asked to see the most beautiful item in the shop. The shopkeeper proudly displayed a teacup. This, however, was not just an ordinary teacup, but one of extraordinary beauty and elegance. As the couple were admiring the teacup, much to their surprise it began to talk to them. It said: …

“I was not always as you see me now. Once I was but a lump of clay. There was nothing special about me at all really, but one day, I was aware of being grabbed and kneaded hard against my will. I was upset and disturbed about being so harshly treated. So I shouted out, Stop! Stop!, and I heard a voice say”

“Not just yet…”

“And then, before I knew it, I was flung hard against a rotating wheel, and molded and shaped by strong hands, again I shouted out, Stop! Stop! I am getting so dizzy!, but again I heard the voice…”

“Not just yet…”

“Then, things went from bad to worse, I was placed in an oven of intolerable heat, and I began to cook in the relentless heat of the furnace… Once again I shouted, but to no avail… Stop for pity’s sake I screamed, I cannot breath and I am tormented by this terrible heat”

Once again, “Not just yet…”

“Then I was removed from the oven, and just as things were cooling down I was aware of being tickled by a brush, and I was being smothered by paint…again, I pleaded to my tormentor…Stop! Stop! I am being smothered…”

“Not just yet…” came the calm voice.

“Then, I was placed once again in a furnace of even WORSE heat, and felt I must surely melt… Stop! Stop! I cannot stand this inferno!”

“This time though, the voice said”, “It is finished”

“I looked at myself in the reflection of a mirror, and saw, that I was no longer a shapeless lump of clay, but now the finished article that you see before you, one sought after, highly prized and now a thing of beauty”

The difficulties that we are subject to, particularly those issues we face during the end of a relationship are at times experienced as almost intolerable, but if we stay the course and learn the lessons, allowing the potter to shape us and form us, suffering the tribulations and heat of our troubles, we may yet become so much more than we were.

Sadness Vs. Depression, (or, Sorry I cannot feel Sad at the Moment…I’m too Depressed…)

Depression is only one of many types of psychological illness, and it may or may not surprise you to know that it comes in a variety of flavours. There are depressive illnesses of the exogenous type, (that is, they come from without, or have a causative factor, i.e. the loss of a job, spouse, pet, or even health), or the more problematic being the endogenous type, (which exist as part of the person’s psyche). Also there is the interesting variety of Bi-polar, (or manic depression, where there is a manic phase and a depressive phase). The latter type we shall also not deal with here, as it requires medical intervention to stabilise the condition. Also, the endogenous variety we shall put on the shelf for the time being.

What we are primarily discussing here is exogenous depression. Now, we tend to use the word “depression” freely in our society, as in: “Oh, I feel really depressed today..”

Let me assure you. That is not depression. Depression itself is marked by a LACK of being able to feel, and is the mind’s way of protecting itself from an overwhelming onslaught of negative feelings.

There are conditions known as depressive equivalents that may mask depression by such things as psychosomatic illness, where the person experiences real pain but where there is no obvious physical cause, (this is also sometimes known as somatoform disorder). Phobias may also figure prominently with depression, and these types of condition have what is known as depression sharing co-morbidity with another condition or anxiety.

Now, the difference between depression and sadness is that with sadness, (over say the loss of a pet for instance), there is a period of pain, but then once the grieving has passed, maybe a few weeks later, then one’s interests turn to other things. In short we start to get over it. In depression though, if the person fails to mourn the loss, there can be no letting go, and so there can be no moving on.

The interesting thing here is that sadness is actually a very important part of the recovery process, and those who are unable to experience the grieving fully and thoroughly remain “stuck”. SO, remember that although sadness is hardly a pleasant experience, it IS a necessary part of recovery, and has a rich depth to it that is denied the person experiencing a depression.

Allow yourself sad time, and feel the feeling rather than trying to cover it up, or bury it. Running away from sadness is futile, for it pursues you, but by facing it, and allowing yourself the necessary luxury of experiencing it, you will inevitably come to terms with your loss and be able to move on and start living healthily again.

Thoughts from the Top of the Head…

I was once asked by my eldest daughter about why it was that certain things kept occurring to her, and why it was that a specific person kept being unkind.

I remember saying to her that, “You learn nothing, the second time you get kicked by a mule”. She was young, but she got it.

On the other hand there is a story of two Tibetan monks, washing their clothes in a river, and a scorpion fell into the stream from a rock, and proceeded to whirl round in an eddy, and drown. One of the monks picked the scorpion out of the water, and was promptly stung for his troubles.

Shortly, the scorpion fell into the water again. So the monk once again rescued the scorpion receiving once more another sting in the process.

The second monk said, “Why do you persist in saving the scorpion? Do you not know it is in the scorpion’s nature to sting?”

The first monk replies, “Ah, yes, but you see, it is in my nature to save”.

There is a balance somewhere between these two ideas. Where is your balance I wonder?

Amongst everyday examples are things like seeing images of animals or faces in clouds, and can be things like hearing hidden messages, or words on records played in reverse for the vinyl heads amongst you. (This ruins both record AND stylus by the way).

The word is partially derived from the Greek “para” which means “beside”, “with”, or “alongside”—meaning, in this context, something faulty or wrong as in paraphasia, or disordered speech.

Human beings have a remarkable gift, but one with potential for unwanted consequences, the gift for pattern recognition.

We may see faces in wallpaper patterns, shapes in clouds and patterned carpets, recognise words and curiously enough in emotional situations also.

Hereby is the critical error. Just because you may perceive a pattern does not mean that it bears any real significance or importance in the real world. Yet it may well have consequences, for after all if you act on a perception, whether it is real or imagined there will be an effect.

I think the key word here is “recognise”. That is to, “re-cognise” or “re-know”. The main point here is that the external input has to find a resonance within yourself in order for it to be perceived at all.

Have you ever had someone point out a pattern to you that you could not see?

“Can’t you see it?… Look, there’s the mouth, just above it is the eye… You still can’t see it? Sheesh…” Now that is just pattern recognition, but with Pareidolia as I said, the important element is the additional perception of “significance”.

Just because an emotional experience, (maybe in an earlier relationship), happened to you does not necessarily mean that a similar situation will bring about exactly the same result. It only seems that way. Here then is the potential for harm, in the form of a contaminated response, to a pattern that belonged to an earlier time.

It is entirely possible you will see what appears to be a quality you liked in a previous partner in someone new, and yet that perceived quality will be by its very nature unique to that individual, for they will have been nurtured in a very different way to the previous person of whom they remind you, and by their very genetic nature be very different also.

As human beings we are unique. Our experiences, our genetic structure, our choices all make us who we are, but as the learned and ever wonderful Ram Dass says, “All I ever see are my own desires”.

I think this too is key to attempting to understand the actions or reactions of another. For example: “…I know what s/he’s doing, s/he’s only doing that to get at me, and then this will happen…”

While you’re busy doing your mind-reading act, with a fair degree of using your fortune telling skills, you wouldn’t mind hinting what next weeks lottery results will be would you?

Er…I’m waiting…

Or even: “My previous partner used to do this when s/he was seeing their lover, therefore I can see my current partner doing the same, therefore they must be unfaithful to me also…”

Ah, the exquisite self-torment. Only you can do it you know. Nobody does it better.

So, what to do about it then? I believe that you need to take the emotive elements out of the equation. Look at what’s really there instead of just fevered imaginings. Whereas it is entirely possible that your ex is trying to get at you, it is equally possible that they are not. Do not believe what you cannot see except by employing the torturing device of your mind.

They are not laughing at you behind your back, at least there is no supporting evidence that this is the case. They are not plotting to bring your world crashing down, at least, not in the way you may believe. Chances are, they are as hurt as you in their own way, and believe that you are plotting against them.

Fevered imaginings. These are patterns of thoughts with no useful meaning.

Oh, and the dreams and nightmares, ho, ho… Can they ever torment you? They must be real; after all you experienced them did you not? There are dreams of reconciliation, or maybe dreams of desolation. They really hurt, and yet, they are only patterns echoing in the labyrinths of your dream world.

I guess what I am urging you to consider, is that not all is, as it may seem. That you consider you may be mistaken in drawing conclusions from perceived patterns rather than from things based on concrete evidence: That you consider that although your relationship may have reached it’s final demise, that you distance yourself from the thoughts that your ex-partner is necessarily reacting as they either once did, or that they are behaving as someone else they remind you of once did.

Instead of recognising patterns, which may have little bearing on reality, I urge you to go with empirical evidence. To view dispassionately what is actually there. Hopefully then you can avoid falling into a potential trap of your own making.

Also, it is easy to perceive another’s behaviour as planned and destructive, aimed solely at you when it may simply be thoughtlessness on the part of another.

Personally I never blame subterfuge on what can be adequately explained by incompetence.

In fact blame is usually destructive. Just think of someone like Basil Fawlty, blaming everyone else for his own situation in order to preserve his self-image as being morally perfect.

By the way, I recommend reading a book by Robin Skynner and John Cleese, called, “Families, and how to survive them”.  Contained therein is a wealth of wisdom in pointing out patterns of behaviour, and moreover the reasons why we sometimes behave the way we do.

Steve Lauder

I remember the story of a farmer that needed to borrow a plough. He thought to himself, “…I know, I’ll ask farmer Brown down the lane…he’ll lend me his plough”…

So, off he went, tramping down the lane, when a thought occurred to him, “Hang on a minute, I ran over one of his chickens last week and he was none too pleased”. He dismissed the thought, and continued apace. A little further along and another thought crossed his mind, “…and didn’t he borrow my harrow the other month, and he returned it broken?”

A little further on, “…and another thing, he never has sorted out the drainage problem in the lower field between our properties, and he says it’s MY responsibility”. He walked still further, “…and then there’s that broken fence between us and he STILL hasn’t fixed that either”.

He stirred himself up so much, that when he knocked on farmer Brown’s door, and he appeared at the door smiling, he said to farmer Brown, “You can stick that ruddy plough where the sun don’t shine!”, and stormed off.

Here is the question, how are YOU stirring yourself up in your thoughts? It is so very easy to give yourself a hard time by negative self-talk, and on top of that you potentially nurture feelings of hostility in another person.

Frequently we can feel so overcome by feelings of injustice that we take on the role of Judge, Jury, and Executioner. Remember, feelings come from thoughts, NOT the other way round.

That being the case, here is a thing you might like to try. I warn you, it can be difficult to do this, especially when in a maelstrom of emotion, so you might want to try this when things have calmed down a bit.

In all events relating to future events mentally rehearse a POSITIVE outcome. An outcome that imposes no harm or hurt on another, but one in which you can see yourself coming out of the situation with a good and worthwhile result. The trick is to be persistent in this, and keep rehearsing.

The reason why this can have a good effect is that, simply put, the Unconscious mind, (or your sub-conscious if you like… same thing), does not distinguish between real or imagined events, and also is not particularly aware of the passage or sequence of time. So by mentally rehearsing, when the REAL event occurs, the Unconscious says to itself, “Oh, I’ve been here before, so I’ll have the same feelings and responses that I am familiar with”. Of course we know that the reverse is also true, because we have all heard of someone fearing taking an exam and who becomes so anxious that they cannot perform when the actual event occurs. Another example is when people have convinced themselves that their partner is being unfaithful, and then reinforces this idea with all sorts of substantive evidence, so much so that their partner can no longer stand the jealousy and leaves. Self-fulfilling prophesy. I have a VERY old book, out of print by one Elbert Hubbard that contains the epigram, “When you grow suspicious of a person and begin a system of espionage upon him, your punishment will be that you find your suspicions true”.

Favourite Story

Being a hypnotherapist, a great deal of my work involves the telling of stories and metaphors as a way of seeding an idea to someone that may not consciously accept a direct telling. I prefer to work this way, and it is a preference of style rather than being a necessity. The process of storytelling works in the Unconscious mind, which operates largely by employing pattern recognition and stories, (which is why our dreams can be so revealing and most-times not a little curious).

One of my favourites is that of an old cat that found himself wandering down the road, when he came upon a young kitten in a front garden. The kitten was chasing its tail furiously. The older cat looked on, somewhat amused by this, and then said, “Pardon me my son, but why are you chasing your tail so?” The kitten stopped its mad chasing and somewhat dizzily said, “I have concluded that happiness is in my tail, and that when I catch it I shall be happy, but whenever I try for it, it moves out of my reach, and its VERY frustrating”. The old cat smiled sagely, and said, “You are quite right my son, I too have concluded that happiness is in my tail, but I have found that wherever I wander, my tail follows me close behind”.

Wishful Thinking?

There are any number of times that I have heard people speak of their partners, or ex-partners disrespectfully, and wishing all kind of tribulations to fall on them. Whereas I understand that with the loss of a relationship there may be an associated loss within the self, or more accurately feeling of loss of self, it is important to remember that you once loved this person.

Whether you were in love with an illusion of what the person was, or whether you projected your own values onto them matters little. How love turns to hate so quickly can be truly astonishing. It is I believe a reaction to a hurt, the automatic reaction to feelings of betrayal, and the feeding of resentment that will poison yourself from the inside out if you allow it to.

If you are fortunate enough you will in time see past that pattern, and instead choose to let go of the negative passions, for it is only by letting go that you are able to hold onto something else. Remember, a closed fist can neither give, nor receive.

Wise Words and Good Advice

One of the most helpful things said to me by someone that had recently gone through a dreadfully acrimonious separation, (and later, divorce), was, “Steve, there is only ONE person that can turn your children against you, and that is… yourself.” This was said in response to me expressing fears about the damage divorce could cause to my relationship with my two daughters.

I look back on those words and realise the great truth in them. I have avoided the trap of using the children as weapons, and thankfully, so has my ex. In fact I can honestly say that my quality time has increased with them more than I had dared hoped.

If I offer any advice, I offer the following: Be a rock for your children, never slander your ex, even if it is truth you are saying, and simply love them, and keep on loving them.

Now, when going through life changing events in relationships there are bound to be times when you may feel temporarily lost. That then is the time to look around for the familiar, and avoid running headlong into unexplored territory… avoid going off in any old direction. It is a time to exercise reasonable caution. The important thing to recognise, is that the rules have changed, and so has the terrain.

Can you imagine navigating your way across a city by using an old map? For certain there will be roads and pathways that are recognisable, but the map’s insistence that a particular road exists may well bear little relation to what is in front of you. Also you will come across roads that in actuality are not shown on the map.

You can see then the ineffectiveness and difficulties in attempting to navigate your way by using an outdated map, and no amount of insistence will enforce the map’s version of things upon reality.

This then may be likened to, and a parallel of the new territory you find yourself in while going through a break-up or divorce. Many of the old ways by which you navigated yourself, even in a fraught relationship no longer apply. But insisting that something exists in an earlier form serves only to sabotage the process of personal recovery and healing. It is worth pointing out that is matters little whether you are the instigator, recipient, or equal partner of the relationship’s demise.

Some of the anxiety will be caused by attempts to impose old knowledge on a new situation. Why? Well one often hears people say that they feel lost as a result of the unwelcome changes to their model of the world that has been thrust upon them, and how is it possible to be anything but lost by using a map that is completely out of date?

So, what to do? The first step is to acknowledge that the old map needs revising, that there are some roads which cannot be used anymore, and to accept that this is the case, rather than insist that the world should be a certain way. It is the continued insistence that causes the anxiety, and contributes to the sense of loss.

On the other hand, if you look around you, new avenues also open up, (although some of these may at first seem daunting). However these new roads… these new opportunities, allow you entrance into new and unexplored territories, and the prospect to grow and learn.

Occasionally you may also encounter roadblocks that mean you have to reroute whether you are using a current or an old map, and then there are holdups and jams that can slow you to a crawl. These things happened to you even before your map changed.

This very morning, a lorry was on its side near the M25 where I was attempting to pass, having spilt its load of onions all over the roadway, and the radio announcer commented that the driver was probably looking for a hard shoulder to cry on.

This made me think, as funny as the situation seemed that although we all experience frustrations and holdups, there is still someone worse off than you. Thankfully though, no-one was injured in this case, and the worst of it was that the driver was left answering lots of embarrassing questions, and probably had more paperwork to fill in than the dreaded Form E.

In the history of cartography, (the art of map making), Maps became increasingly accurate and factual during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries with the application of scientific methods. Many countries undertook national mapping programs. Nonetheless, much of the world was poorly known until the widespread use of aerial photography following World War I. Modern cartography is based on a combination of ground observations and remote sensing.

Having passed through a probable war zone yourself, you will find that your knowledge of the new layout of your life will increase, slowly at first, but if you embrace the opportunities for growth, gradually you will come to realisations that could not have been arrived at by any other means, and you shall grow and become stronger if you read the signs that life offers,

While looking for additional inspiration for this piece, I came across the wise words of others’:

“When there is a start to be made, don’t step over! Start where you are.” Edgar Cayce

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.” Ivy Baker Priest

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard

“When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.” Mary Kay Ash

And finally, although no mention of maps…:-

“What wound did ever heal but by degrees?” William Shakespeare

Here are some wise words from some wise people.

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…And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

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Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

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Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

Carl Jung

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, It is the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

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We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Anais Nin

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To the best of my knowledge there have been around eight film versions derived from the book, however the focus power shift is apparent as they have generally been titled “Svengali” or had that name featured prominently in the film title.

The most significant movie featured John Barry as the evil Svengali, made way back in 1931. However, even when hypnosis is depicted as having beneficial effects, it is still portrayed as terrifyingly powerful and so many false stereotypes are perpetuated. This has given a black-eye to the therapeutic benefits for many years. I personally find it annoying to think of how many people have gone through life with troubles that may have been so easily resolved…

Probably the best filmic representation of hypnotherapy is in the Sidney Lumet film “Equus”. Some out of the ordinary niceties are used for visual appeal, for instance, there is an quite unusual hypnotic induction using a steadily tapping pen and the young male patient is asked to act out memories using age-regression. The ever excellent Richard Burton portrays the part of psychiatrist, Martin Dysart, who investigates the violent blinding of six horses with a metal spike in a stable in Hampshire. However, the initial explanation of hypnosis and his patient’s subsequent experience of it are remarkably realistic. They throw light on the steps leading up to Alan Strang’s formation of delusions about the all-seeing horse-god, “Equus” to explain his blinding a stable full of horses in the middle of the night.

Regrettably, the portrayal of hypnosis and it’s practitioners has led many to believe that hypnosis removes all free will and increases the client’s vulnerability to that of automata or mindless slave…

The most frustrating thing about this occasionally still evident public opinion is that there must have been many people that could have excised their problems with but little investment in time, instead of having to carry them around for years and years, endless and unforgiving…

Steve Lauder

Find a Comfortable Position – Get a position that you will be able to maintain easily for the time you are going to be doing this process. It can be sitting or lying down, though sitting is recommended to prevent you from falling asleep. Get yourself centred, just looking in front of you and breathing slowly and easily. Let yourself relax.

1. Time – Determine the length of time that you intend to spend and make a statement to yourself about it such as ‘I am going into self hypnosis for 20 minutes … ‘ (or however long you want) You will be delighted to discover how well you ‘internal clock’ can keep track of the time for you.
2. Purpose – Make a second statement to yourself about your purpose in going into self hypnosis. In this process, we allow the unconscious mind to work on the issue rather than giving suggestions throughout, so our purpose statement should reflect that fact. Here’s how I say it: ‘… for the purpose of allowing my unconscious mind to make the adjustments that are appropriate to assist me in _____________ .’ Filling in the blank with what you want to achieve such as ‘developing more confidence in social situations.’ I know that the text is ‘wordy’ but that’s how I got it from John Grinder. The actual words aren’t nearly as important as the fact your statement acknowledges that you are turning this process over to your unconscious mind.
3. Exit State – Make a final statement to yourself about the state that you want to be in when you complete the process. Typically in hypnosis, we have heard the idea that you should come back feeling ‘wide awake, alert and refreshed’, but in the real world that may not be what you want. For example, if you are doing your self hypnosis before bedtime, you may prefer to come out of it ‘relaxed and ready for sleep’. If you’re doing it before some project you may want to come out ‘motivated and full of energy’. Simply say to yourself, ‘… and when I’m finished, I’m going to feel __________’.
4. The Process – Looking in front of you, notice three things (one at a time) that you see. Go slowly, pausing for a moment on each. It is preferable that they be small things, such as a spot on the wall, a door knob, the corner of a picture frame, etc. Some people like to name the items as they look at them – ‘I see the hinge on the door frame’. (If you don’t know the name for the thing, try ‘I see that thing over there.’). Now turn your attention to your auditory channel and notice, one by one, three things that you hear. (You will notice that this allows you to incorporate sounds that occur in the environment rather than being distracted by them.
5. Next, attend to your feeling and notice three things sensations that you can feel. Again, go slowly from one to the next. It’s useful to use sensations that normally are outside of your awareness, such as the weight of your eyeglasses, the feeling of your wrist watch, the texture of your shirt, etc.
6. Continue the process using two Visuals, then two auditory and then two kinaesthetic.
7. In the same manner, continue (slowly) with one of each.
8. You have now completed the ‘external’ portion of the process. Now it’s time to begin the ‘internal’ part.
9. Close your eyes.
10. Bring an image into your mind. Don’t work too hard at this. You can construct an image or simply take what comes. It may be a point of light, it may be a beautiful beach, or it could be a pizza. If something comes to you just use it. If nothing comes, feel free to ‘put something there’. Name it as you did above.
    11)Pause and let a sound come into your awareness or generate one and name it. Although this is technically the internal part, if you should hear a sound outside or in the room with you, it’s OK to use that. Remember that the idea is to incorporate things that you experience rather than being distracted by them. Typically, in the absence of environmental sounds, this is where I hear the sound of the Sea.
11. Next, become aware of a feeling and name it. It’s preferable to do this internally – use your imagination. (I feel the warmth of the summer sun on my arms) However, as with the auditory, if you actually have a physical sensation that gets your attention, use that. This is the first K on the internal side of the diagram.
12. Repeat the process with two images, then two sounds, then two feelings.
13. Repeat the cycle once again using three images, three sounds, and three feelings.
14. Completing the Process – It is not unusual to ‘space out’ or lose conscious awareness during the process. At first some people think that they’ve fallen asleep. But generally you will find yourself coming back automatically at the end of the allotted time. This is an indication that you weren’t sleeping and that your unconscious mind was doing what you asked of it. Note: Most people don’t get all the way through the process. That’s perfectly all right. If you should complete the process before the time has ended, just continue with 4 images, sounds, feelings, then 5 and so on. As for your goals, trust that your unconscious mind is working for you ‘in the background’ while you’re doing the process.
15. Regular Practice will Yield Better and Better Results.